the miscarriage files: 15 women on their miscarriages

beautiful belly photo

i don’t remember how i found this the other night – sometimes i find myself up way beyond my typical mom hours of operation just thinking about everything. maybe i had just finished looking up my next ovulation cycle on webmd (i like their because it allows you to put in your last three cycles and makes me think their calculated window is somehow superior to the calendars that just ask for your last months info) and fell into the rabbit hole of google searching. and even though i totally started crying and had to push myself to read everyone’s story, i was so glad i did and i went to bed really sad but also really thankful that every once and a while, i stumble upon a special opening in the internets where women are vulnerable and graciously share their pain and their struggles. it makes me feel so much less alone.

Annie, 36, Germany
I went in for an ultrasound at six and a half weeks, and they couldn’t find a heartbeat, but they told me to wait another week in case they were wrong about the date of conception. A few days later, I started bleeding, and the doctor said, “Yeah, you miscarried, but there’s two.” I kept going back, but there was still no heartbeat. So, then I just kind of waited for a few weeks for it to happen by itself. But it didn’t, so they gave me the abortion pill, which they use off label. They give you four pills and tell you to take them and get a hot-water bottle. It’s not really dangerous, but they don’t really prepare you for what’s going to happen. It’s a hard sensation to describe — a terrible feeling that’s not really painful, I guess. I had a fever and chills, and it also kind of knocks you out. I tried to fall asleep, and a few hours later I woke up — and it’s a lot of blood. I was pretty dazed, and in the moment you just think something’s terribly wrong. I always thought that when you miscarry you just kind of get your period and then it’s over, but I think I bled for four weeks. I spent a good three weeks just crying. I’ve never cried like that before. I’m not religious — I don’t think it was ever going to be a baby — but you’re just overcome by this physical grief.

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